I was recently speaking with a friend of mine who was on the verge of breakdown.
Before I tell you why, I just want to give you a bit of context:
This woman is amazing. Her career is on fire. She travels around the world literally helping women lead happier lives, from Paris to London to sunny Maui.
She’s making more money than ever, and she’s on the verge of publishing an exciting new book. She’s married to a loving and supportive man. And, did I mention she’s gorgeous?
What else can you ask for, right?
But here we were, and she was questioning everything.
She worried that she was doing it all “wrong,” that she’d never be a “success,” and that she was wasting a lot of time.
Instead of standing strong as the magnificent human being I know her to be, she was shriveled up in insecurity.
What happened?
Well, if you’ve ever suffered from similar worries or bouts of questioning yourself, you may be undermining your confidence in unconscious ways, similar to my friend.
So, don’t do this at home. Watch out for these three unconscious ways you’re destroying your confidence.
1. Not Getting Enough Sleep
My three-year-old, Linor, has taught me how much sleep matters. When she was smaller and missed a nap, it was hell for everyone. She was agitated at best, and I was melting down at worst.
As adults, we also need our sleep, and we forget how much it impacts our mindset and emotional state.
We mask the impact of being tired by pushing through and caffeinating. When we’re under-rested and feeling off, we start to judge ourselves as not being “enough” — instead of just taking a nap.
This is what happened to my friend. She had just returned from a massive speaking event and didn’t follow up with a good night of rest.
The following morning (when we spoke), she was a wreck. But the next day, she was fine.
So, check yourself: Are you pushing hard but not allowing for restoration?
Take a look at the calendar and preempt the meltdown by scheduling in low-key days to follow intense bursts at work, including big launches, presentations, sprints or whatever it is that’s high pressure for you.
2. Spending Too Much Time On Social Media
Come on, we’re all human. There are only so many celebrations of people’s seemingly perfect lives that you can take until you start to criticize yourself and question your own worthiness. We instinctively engage in what psychologists call “social comparison,” which is where you start to look at others to see how you stack up.
Social comparison never ends well and can kill your self-esteem because, as they say, you end up comparing your own behind-the-scenes with someone else’s highlight reel.
Minimize your social media usage and especially don’t go there when you’re feeling off.
You might even consider installing a tool that automatically blocks your social media news feeds, so you can’t give in to temptation.
3. Behaving In Ways That Aren’t In Alignment With Your Values
This one is by far the biggest culprit of flailing confidence. Your values are the guiding principles for how you behave.
I describe them as the guardrails that keep you in line, moving toward your greater vision. If you’re not clear on your vision or values, or you’ve unconsciously adopted someone else’s, you’ll end up somewhere that’s not authentic to who you are and where you really want to be.
And, if you’re in a place that doesn’t energize you, you’re more likely to feel like a fraud or experience inner conflict.
But, because you’re often not aware that you’ve adopted values that aren’t your own, when you experience this inner unrest, you’re not sure why.
You start to think it’s you — but it’s not. You just need to clarify how you want to be and what values will get you there.
So there you have it: three sneaky ways you’re unknowingly setting yourself up to feel less powerful.
The good news is that, by making the tiniest adjustments, you can start to feel more calm, grounded and confident — just by being you.
