Written by Ben
Have you ever noticed how most of the questions that people ask in conversation are boring?
How are you? What do you do? Nice weather, eh?
Questions that are habitual lead to boring responses that lead to dull conversations.
Life is too short to waste so much time in conversations that are not worth having.
Vanessa Van Edwards, in her brilliant book Captivate, shares how the brain releases dopamine, that feel good brain juice, when we are exposed to novelty.
She advocates for preparing and asking intriguing conversations in our interactions with others to raise the quality of our interactions.
Once upon a time, I spent a decade of my life helping Talmud scholars figure out how to make living, usually after they were already married and had several children.
After saying hello, I would often ask, “What’s the dream?”
This is a much more interesting question than, “What have you thought of doing so far?” because it engages the imagination.
It connects the person to what they might really want as opposed to just what they think is practical.
Another question I would ask was, “If you had to earn 75k this coming year or someone is going to shoot your best friend, what would you do?”
There is no easy out here of, “I don’t know, what should I do?” It forces the person to consider their outer limits. And it’s a surprising question, so it bypasses the critical factor that allows the inner cynic to get the upper hand and keep them stuck.
Imagine yourself meeting someone new, and instead of asking, “What do you do?”, ask, “What do you do for fun?”
The accountant who is an avid practitioner of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, the investment banker who races vintage sports cars, and the technologist who loves sailing, would all rather talk to you about their pet passions than about their professions. And they will appreciate you more for bringing them there than for asking about their lives behind a computer screen.
Consider for a moment, which conversation would you rather have? When the two of you walk away from that conversation what difference will there be in the energy?
Every context offers its own opportunity for a more engaging question. Find what feels right for you in your own context and avoid the default questions that most people ask.
Better, more interesting questions light people up. They spark thoughtful, deeper responses. More engaging conversations. More authentic connection.
So, as an act of kindness to others, and to yourself, take the time to think of a few better questions to ask next time you have a conversation.
Written by Ben
